No More Edward Cullen?
by The Friendly Plebian
Summary: A short, decidedly pointless story in which Edward Cullen succombs to the fate he has forever been destined: DEATH! Fangirls and middle aged women alike beware!


**A\N: A short, decidedly pointless fic in which Edward Cullen succumbs to the fate he has been forever destined: DEATH! This is SUPPOSED to be insanely stupid and **_**degrading**_** to all characters of Twilight. Insert diabolical laugh here.**

**No More Edward Cullen?**

I walked along the worn forest path with Edward on a nice, sunny Saturday morning. Of course, you could never tell that, because, with him being a vampire and all, he had picked the most dense location possible to take a morning stroll. He had picked me up extra early; 5:00 AM sharp, from my house in attempt to beat the sun, an act most would consider fully selfish, but I personally considered it sweet. At least he was doing something for himself for once...

Neither one of us spoke, for we were each lost in thoughts of each other. Particularly naughty thoughts I might add, at least on my part-I'm fairly certain that his mind was on a more innocent track. The forest critters ran about in a perfect representation of those Disney movies Edward favored, the ones in which the guy got the girl and the villain usually-if not always-plunged from great heights to his unseen gory death. I liked to consider myself the "princess" character, and Edward was almost all the time the one who would save me from the ugly old hag or freaky old man with a British accent that wanted my head or other things that Disney movies weren't permitted under any circumstances to show. Well, anyway, there we were, walking hand in hand down a nice little path, within our own private thoughts, when we stumbled upon something strange and most disquieting.

"What is it!" I shrieked, terrified for my life.

Edward looked pointedly at me. "I believe it is called a box turtle, Bella."

"Please, Edward! Don't let me die!"

He then flexed his arms, only succeeding to produce a slight bump on his bicep that a four-year-old could compete with, and hardened his face into its normal expressionless look. "Stay here...I'll deal with this on my own..." Proceeding to step forward about the foot that separated us from the box turtle, he bent down and reached out a quivering hand to it. The turtle took one look at his horribly pale hand and retreated inside the confines of its shell. Edward flinched in surprise.

"EDWARD!" I screamed, my arm shoot out in front of me, hovering somewhere over his head.

Bolting back to his feet, Edward stood up strait for a moment, the classic "hero" pose, and suddenly was carrying me bridal style in his arms through the woods. We were soaring!...for about three seconds, until Edward had to stop to catch his breath. Heaving, he placed me back on the ground, doubling over. "I...I...I can't...can't carry you anymore..." He rasped. "Need, nourishment..." Edward wheezed once more before collapsing onto the ground. "Must...find...harmless...little...deer...to...kill..."

"No!" I was on my knees next to him, my hands on his face. "Drink my blood Edward! Drink my blood!" I sobbed hysterically as he tried to form the words.

He raised his index finger weakly, painstakingly, and replied in a strained voice, "What...what is your blood type...?"

"A!"

His face fell considerably. "I'm a B..." Coughing, he went on. "Both in blood type and...bra size..."

"What?" I was horrified...I was appalled...How in the name of everything right and good was Edward built bigger than me? And a better question: why would he be wearing a bra in the first place? But that wasn't the matter on hand. "How is that possible?" I asked, breathless.

"It is..._very_ possible..." said Edward, not referring to the topic of blood. "Do you...wish for me to..._prove_ it to you...Bella?"

"No! No!" I was quick to correct him. "You're _blood_! You're a vampire! You're not _supposed_ to have a _blood_ _type_!"

"Did someone say _vampire_?" A voice growled from behind me. I spun around. There stood Jacob Black and his shirtless cadre. From the time that I had seen him last, Jacob had appeared to develop two more sets of abs in addition to his already prominent eight pack. Plastic surgery no doubt...He looked at me. I looked back to him. Our eyes locked, and I had soon forgotten all about the dying Edward on the ground as I stood and approached him. I stopped daringly close to him.

"Hey, Jake?" I questioned lightly. He eyed me like he was expecting me to start making out with him or something.

"Yes, Bella?"

"You have something on your face. Here, let me get it for you." And I flicked the small leaf on his forehead.

He looked sorely disappointed with me, but forced an awkward, boyish smile full of blamelessness and virtue...just before he glared over my shoulder with the hatred of a mass murderer at my vampire boyfriend sprawled helplessly on the ground. "Get 'im boys..."

All of his fellow werewolf pals abruptly changed into their animal forms and charged poor Edward. Out of the blue, Edward shot up from the ground and went all ninja on them, all flying fists and hard kicks. He jumped atop a nearby rock, which was flat, and not effective to his cause, but I wasn't in a position to judge him. He fought like a raving Neanderthal...confirming just _how_ exactly they went extinct. I faced the facts: he sucked, but who was I to admit that in front of the person I was in love with? Edward was a lover not a fighter, and with all his "super speed" and "strength" were worth, it made him appear a bigger failure all the more. He was no match for the large wolves. They soon had a hold of both his arms, holding him up in the air. He flailed around like a freshly caught trout.

With all the respect I still had for him, I screamed with all my might when they ripped his arms off. Blood splattered everywhere, and his two appendages thunked to the forest floor instantly after. There was nothing left of his arms to speak of save for two bloody apertures above his ribs. Edward's eyes popped from his skull at the sight of his own torso. The werewolves had backed off momentarily, leaving him to look down at himself. He just stood there; his shirt had been ripped open in the middle of his fight with the large dogs, and he gazed down at his chest like he had never looked in the mirror at himself. Then again...there wasn't anything to see, so maybe he really _didn't_ that often.

"Good God!" I heard him screech, still standing there without any arms. "Look at this, Bella!"-he gestured wildly down with his head-"My chest hair is sparse in one too many places! You have to go and purchase some Rogaine as quickly as possible, love. I think I'm having a nervous breakdown!"

All of the bystanders gaped at him.

"Why isn't he dead yet?" Jacob yelled with a certain tyrant-like quality paramount in his tone. "How long must I wait to get his girl?"

Edward, armless and useless to help, walked on gangly legs towards where Jake and I stood, but tripped over a rock on his way, falling flat on his face. He stared up at me, having trouble elevating his neck. "Come...here..." He hissed at me, his breath dying. I complied, much to Jacob's efforts to prevent me from doing so. I stood over him, but he beckoned me again. "Closer..." I squatted down near him, and he, in all his bloodiness, whispered, "Isabella Swan...I...I love...I love..." This was it. This was what would make it all worth it for me. I started to get emotional...

"I love..._Emmet_." He ended in a harsh intake of breath.

So much for an emotional moment...

I was crushed, broken, betrayed, and just plain hurt. "Wh-what?" My answer was delayed.

"We were...going to...get married..." explained Edward, his voice growing more and more quiet with every syllable, "...but it was...illegal...in this state..." If he still had arms, he would have probably clamped on hand over his heart and looked skyward. "Tell...tell him...that...I am sorry...So sorry..." The dramatic head roll he could manage, however, and he did so.

In the background, there was a sad choir singing a dirge in some foreign language. It was lovely moment where I knelt there with my head bowed over Edward's body.

"Oh, sorry..." Jacob muttered. "Phone call." He walked away and flicked his cell phone open; the music stopped. I suppose I couldn't have everything I wanted in life... All of the other wolves gathered around me, back in their human forms.

"Sooo...does anyone have a grill on hand?" One of them asked. "Cause it would be a shame to let him simply go to waste out here..."

After that, we all went back to Jacob's place and had _Edward_burgers. Mine was such an odd life...It was about 1:00 PM by that point. In a time span of six hours, my Edward had confessed to many things, then died before my eyes...and now I was resorting to cannibalism in attempt to keep his memory alive. Strange how things worked. Jake had taken me under his wing after that, and soon my fantasies of Disney movies had switched to him, though in my thoughts, he had gotten a major nose job.

One of the werewolf guys paused halfway through his second burger, turned to me, cracked an obnoxious grin, and said, "So, Bella, have _you_ seen Edward's bra yet?"

**THE FREAKIN' END**


End file.
